December 22, 2004
Baa Humbuggery
Because I've come up with the title of this post and now need some content, I'm searching for a punchline to this joke:
What's the difference between Santa and a sheep?
A small prize to anyone who can make me laugh. A larger and quite frankly much more worthwhile prize to anyone whose humourous punchline also includes the words 'bulging sack'.
Posted by adhoc at 02:23 PM | Comments (0)
December 21, 2004
Stop the Pigeon!
So you want to know about the pigeons do you? Really?
Be warned.
I'm sure you know that all knowledge carries a price. But the price paid by those who know what I know has been at best a life ruined by panic and fear, and at worst a life harrowed by pain and racked by vile disease. Of course, as is always the case, there were the lucky few who were allowed to die.
So for now, I'll just ask you one question:
If pigeons were as stupid as they act, how come they're not extinct?
Think about it.
All pigeons are malevolent. Over the years, I have come to understand many of their revolutionary aims. Yet of their diabolical plans to achieve them, I only know a few. But I know enough. And I already know too much.
The Flying Vermin are after me. Hardly a day goes by without a fly-by incident or a flocking intimidation. They take turns to shout repetitive threats down my chimey every morning. They break into my house by pecking through the cat flap. But even freakier than this, are the looks in the eyes of the pigeon horde now massing on the ledge outside my window. A window into which two of the kamikaze crew have just flown at full force. Bang. As I write this. Bang. I take this as a warning. But it is a warning that I dare not heed.
Things are getting serious. I'm starting to live in constant fear. Why else do you think I've been in hiding all weekend?
You have all been warned. But I have said too much already.
Posted by adhoc at 05:23 PM | Comments (0)
December 17, 2004
Low definition: Brannigan
Am being made to work for a living today. So to stop me writing about pigeons, and following the popularity of the last question of the week last week, here is this week's weak question of the week.
I'll give you a clue. It's a definition question. What is a 'Brannigan'? Is it:
1) A term used to refer to a man with the astounding ability to defy the process of natural selection by keeping his gene pool overflowing with cheap nasty lager. Named after Kev Brannigan, a Reading man infamous for his discovery of the practice of perpetual binge drinking (binge drinking without the interruption of breaks, except an occasional brief pavement coma). Also notable for his shameless drunken groping of women and spectacular public vomiting displays. As such, he was also an inspiration for the name of a salubrious chain of nightime entertainment venues. Allegedly.
2) A traditional heavy drinking vessel, used for consuming vast quantities of ale and then clubbing a potential sexual partner over the head so you could carry them off home. The origin of the northern expression for coming-to in a strange bed with a throbbing head and a new rash: 'Bloody 'eck, I've been right brannigan'd'.
3) A rare word, now falling out of usage, which refers to a drinking bout, spree or binge. It was made popular as a result of Heathcliff's heart-rending parting speech to Cathy in Wuthering Heights, 'Excuse me m'dear, but I shan't be in for supper this evening as I'm off out on a prolonged brannigan with the boys'.
Discuss.
Posted by adhoc at 02:40 PM | Comments (4)
December 16, 2004
Random Error
For clarification, being chaotic is not the same as being random. Randomness is a consequence of true unpredictability, where events are not dependent on anything that has happened previously. Chaos is not inherently unpredictable. It's just difficult to predict if you don't understand the rules
Are you following this? It's important. Let me illustrate with a traditional example. Tossing a dice is considered an exercise in randomness because it seems to produces random results. When a 'normal' cube-shaped dice is thrown, there are 6 possible outcomes each with an equal chance of occurrence. And so the outcome appears to be random. This is because the human mind likes to find patterns in events. When it fails to discern any patterns, it assigns the apparent pattern-deficiency the attribute of being random. And as such, the attribute of randomness is a product of human ignorance.
But the behaviour of the dice is not random. It is chaotic. It is not entirely unpredictable. Given a certain knowledge of initial conditions (such as: starting position of dice, velocity of toss, rate of spin/rotation, style of wrist action etc) it will be possible to determine how the dice is going to land. Though then trying to predict how a cube with sharp edges and corners will bounce on a flat surface is more difficult. Each time the dice bounces, any error in the sums increases at an exponential rate. Meaning that the tiniest error made while tossing, will shoot any prediction way off course. In other words, chaos only seems unpredictable because we don't observe events in enough detail.
And so my moral for the day is: don't let the errors of any ignorant random tosser get in the way of your appreciation of a fine bit of chaos.
Posted by adhoc at 05:36 PM | Comments (1)
December 15, 2004
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Without shooting-off on a enquiring tangent about the linear nature of time, here's yesterday's news in no particular order:
I got very excited by a big sexy French bridge. It's not often that I get to say that.
As a commuter I am used to being frustrated by trains. This week has been special so far. Yesterday I even found myself enagaging in public debate with total stangers about the EU standardisation of train timetables. Mainly, it has to be said, on a station platform. While wondering if any of the alleged trains were going to arrive. And debating with an increased intensity when one mysteriously and magestically appeared. All shiny and new. And much smaller than the trains we were used to. We collectively wondered how we were all going to fit inside it. Did this new train have tardis-like internal dimensions? This sequence was repeated three times before I managed to squeeze into a disappointingly untardis-like carriage. A very special commuting week.
And then there was Tom Wolfe. I'll forgive him Bonfire of the Vanities. Not least because he's repsonsible for titles such as The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby. But it seems he's changed his medication. And not for the better. For a book titled 'I am Charlotte Simmons', he's been awarded the Literary Review's annual Bad Sex award. Hope you didn't misread that. I present exhibit A:
"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns.
Oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now! She must say 'No, Hoyt' and talk to him like a dog..."
Makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Which misses the point somewhat, I think.
Posted by adhoc at 12:54 PM | Comments (0)
December 13, 2004
ABCD: Activity Based Costing for Dummies
And by dummies I mean me. Or so it would seem. There's a lot of changes going on at work that I don't understand. I understand the changes. Mostly. But I'm struggling to grasp the unexplainable reasoning behind them. Well, everyday is a school day. And today is a Monday. So following 'a Very Enjoyable Weekend', today I have endured my weekly shock at some of the pointlessnesses of having to work for a living. Though to be fair, in the past couple of weeks I have learnt many new and interesting things. Honest. I have examples:
1) The concept of the Internal Entrepreneur: namely the muppet who actually thinks charging the people they work with to borrow a pencil makes sound business sense. Or the muppet with their head so far up the Director's passage that it's sold his sinuses a makeover. Well if you can't beat them . . . get creative. I've been inspired, and have figured out a plan that for an exciting new income stream. I'm going to set up a checkpoint outside the finance department and charge them for crossing our floorspace. It's their only route in. All I need is some more barbed wire. And a pointy stick.
2) Forecasting: for those of you not familiar with this important and mysterious financial method, it is also known to the uninitiated as the arcane skill of guessing and making things up. And as it turns out, I am rather good at it.
3) Cost Centre Decentralisation is a bullshit process for improving efficiency and getting the finance department some shiny new software (which still doesn't work (as well as the old system did)). In metaphorical terms it is about removing the need for the left hand to spend time or effort needlessly concerning itself with what the right hand might be doing. This is why the financial, strategic and staff development plans I have to write are in now not only out of sync with each other but also entirely unconnectable. Somebody's right hand has been spending way too much busy-time under their desk.
4) Training is an investment. I believe this. Everyone agrees with me. So why am I being asked to 'trim' my staff Training and Development budget? It's not a cost, it's an investment! Why not treat it as such? Stick it on the balance sheet. Am I going too far? Well, like 2 footballers in the shower, this budget just isn't going down. We've already agreed it. Twice. Aaarrggh.
5) Repetitive Cranial-Impact Percussive Therapy: for this purpose, I have authorised the building of a large brick wall right next to my desk.
Enough already. Apparently I have work to do.
Posted by adhoc at 01:26 PM | Comments (0)
December 12, 2004
The 5-string Banjo: instrument of the devil or hillbilly fun for the whole family?
Recently I have become the proud owner of a very beautiful 5-string banjo. Even more interesting than the new skills and dexterities my fingers are learning, have been the reactions of people upon hearing my exited news. I have been confronted with either excited fascination or shocked revulsion, like I'm announcing parentage of the spawn of satan, or offering someone marmite on toast.
And so I find myself wondering if everyone really does have extreme opinions about the virtues of the banjo. And if people have most loved or loathed musical instuments. And if they do, are there interesting or amusing reasons why.
Maybe I should get out more. Though I did that yesterday. And it was much fun.
Posted by adhoc at 06:01 PM | Comments (4)
December 11, 2004
Beer after Wine: you'll feel fine
At last I have found resolution to a long standing confusion of mine. The consequences of mixing different genres of booze has been the subject of much irreconciled debate in my world. One of the more contentious questions has been over the mixing of beer and wine. Not at the same time, of course. That would be uncouth and probably undrinkable. But the debate has been over the order in which the two can 'safely' be consumed. Apparently there is a helpful little rhyme that assists the wary. It goes simply . . . 'Beer on wine, you'll feel fine'. However, this had been the source of the confusion. For the saying could just as easily be. . .'Beer before wine, you'll feel fine'. And hence the crux of the problem. Two opposing views with little supporting evidence.
So over the past few weeks I have nobly and embarrassingly been doing much detailed research on the subject. Though some of the detail may, if questioned, actually be a little blurry, as a community service I am able to share in summary my results. It is simple: an evening of beer followed by a couple of bottles of champagne, although at the expense of others, leaves me immobile and mostly bed-ridden for the subsequent 24 hours. Very very ill. And unnecessarily messy. On the other hand, an evening of wine consumption, followed by several pints of watered-down lager, may have caused a small hole in my memory, but left my digestive processes alone and mostly intact.
So in summary, the solution to the rhyme confusion is that beer after wine will be fine. Though this takes no account of volume of alcohol consumed. Or any other personal circumstances. Tonight there is the Funjunkie end of year party thing. I am going. And I have already consumed the wine. So this evening I will be putting my theorem to the test again. This time in public.
Posted by ann at 06:56 PM | Comments (2)
December 08, 2004
Suck my Prologue
I don't believe in prologues.
While I don't actually dispute their existence, I do harbour an unshakable disbelief that they serve any useful literary purpose.
There are only three valid purposes for a prologue. And none of them are big or clever:
1) To demonstrate that a story can start in the wrong place. i.e. not at the beginning (as opposed to setting a story in Didcot).
2) To insult the reader. The use of a prologue to highlight intended key meanings and themes is a declaration by the author that the reader is too stupid to understand anything properly.
3) As a useful warning that the writer may not be any good. If an author has to explain the meaning of their work upfront, then this suggests that they can’t write as well as they would like to. Or are actually shite. This is the only justifiable reason for having prologues at the beginning.
Of course, making sweeping generalisations is a fun pastime. Especially generalisations that I don't neccessarily believe to be accurate. For truth be told, one day I want to write a good prologue. A very good prologue. Though being a contrary sod, I've always wanted to start something with a prologue that was entirely unconnected to anything that followed it.
In due course we might find out if I've managed it.
Posted by adhoc at 12:33 AM | Comments (0)