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January 26, 2005
The man who mistook his Muppet for a Hat
During the deep dark passage of the last few days, my ability to achieve things has, well, withered and faded. And then buggered off entirely. I've not been getting anything important done, try as I might. Or might not. And if you, as generous people, would like me to have a plethora of exciting, outrageous, indulgent, and/or illegal and/or carnal excuses, well you'll have to be disappointed. As am I. I have just been rubbish.
Or so I thought.
For I have noticed some interesting goings-on in my head, mainly as a direct benefit of my inadvertent apprenticeship to the ancient art of lazing around and wondering what to do about stuff. This has proven much more productive than my usual 'getting really pissed off with myself' strategy. (NB: even this anti-grumpy ancient art does not extend to any era BC . . . Before Coffee).
Meanwhile, somewhere deep in this sprawling . . . erm . . . ah yes, I was going to give you an intimate insight into something rather personal:
In short, it would appear that I've gone and lost the plot when it comes to linearity. Muppet. My thought processes are running rotated to my observational brain. So, wind tunnels aside, if I try and figure out where my thoughts are going, or even where they've been, rather than having beginnings and endings, they appear to be going sideways. This is, by self-referential necessity, impossible to explain without watching a tangent pass by. So imagine a bedraggled, tatty and over-haired Muppet. In a wind tunnel. You see now that I really needed a haircut. Yesterday, while I was realising that if most useful exercise is mental rather than physical then I can just imagine that I'm exercising while actually being in the pub, I temporarily forgot that I'm phobic of hairdressers. Today my phobia has returned. Too late. Too many mirrors, but muppet no more.
So that explains that then. In a manner of speaking. Or a spanner of meaking.
So have I come to any conclusions? Of course not. It's in the nature of conclusions, that they appear at (or near) the end of thinking processes. In my head it's all much more along the principles of the good old Generation Game conveyor belt. And though I chose not to remember the cuddly muppet toy, other random tat that has chanced across my neural pathways has included:
A resolution: I must spend more time lounging on the sofa drinking wine and imagining myself getting fit and my flabby bits being well toned.
A memo: My head is cold. Must buy hat. Somehow.
A learning point: I am actually able to put a halt to the exponential growth of my to do lists by crossing things off them. All I need to do is fly off on the right tangent with the right momentum for each thing I want to achieve.
A practical note: So I can finally get the 'leccy and phone bills paid by watching Donnie Darko for a good reason.
A musical note: It won't help my banjo playing though. Any thoughts?
Posted by adhoc at 02:32 PM | Comments (2)
January 19, 2005
1/8W+(D-d) 3/8*TQ M*NA
And I thought that today was bad enough. A day where the shit has been a welcome life-raft bobbing hopefully on an endless sea of arseketchup.
So inspired by the assured (un-)diplomacy of a certain Ms C Rice [t], I have drawn attention to the expansionist move that has been made by the Axis of Evil that exists between Corporate Strategy and Finance. I have replaced the sign pointing to my Director's door with one that now reads 'Outpost of Tyranny'.
Though in happy news, there's worse to come. Apparently:
Misery is expected to peak on Monday, as 24 January has been pinpointed as the worst day of the year.
Wey hey. There's even a sciency bit that goes: 1/8W+(D-d) 3/8*TQ M*NA
There you go. Thank the BBC. The formula for next Monday being shite. Who am I to argue with science? I suggest a three day weekend. At least.
And so in a futile attempt to make tomorrow a day worth getting out of bed for, to improve my day no end, I'm going to turn to the welcome embrace of my long-time tried, tested and trusted friend . . . beer. I am, in no uncertain terms, Going To The Pub (probably known as 'GTTP://' for those of you that don't get out much). I have, however, decided to pass-up the opportunity to laugh at Man U fans cringing as they watch the Cup-style Kicky-Bally against Exeter. I am going to go here instead.
Posted by adhoc at 06:02 PM | Comments (1)
Boulevard of Broken stuff
Today my iPod is broken.
It is hopefully fixable, but not to be attempted first thing in the morning.
Maybe I shoudn't have dropped it so often.
I'll take it as a warning.
Arse.
Posted by adhoc at 01:21 PM | Comments (2)
January 16, 2005
accessible politicians: accessible websites
Never one to pass up an opportunity to hassle someone who deserves hassling, for once I'm going to do it about something important.
Website Accessibility.
I'm not going to rant. Just go here and read this. And then do what Pix says. It's easy. Trust me, I know.
So send a letter to your MP asking them to support this motion. And get all your friends, real or imaginary, to do so as well. Though I'm not sure what an Early Day Motion actually is. I assume it's not the sort of motion that I get first thing in the morning. Anyway, politicians can do important things. All you have to do is ask them once in a while. So get to it!
Posted by adhoc at 01:58 AM | Comments (2)
January 12, 2005
Battle of the Princesses: Aura vs Leia
Sci-Fi Princesses. Everyone has a favourite. I certainly have unhealthily strong opinions on such matters. And in today’s tension-filled office, where a senior staff reshuffle had nasty implications for us all, you could cut the atmosphere with some blunt work. Or when that approach seemed just too damn demanding, some daft conversation did the trick.
And so this afternoon, I became embroiled in a heated debate about the relative merits of the sci-fi princesses Leia and Aura. It became surprisingly competitive. Which Princess had the least amusing hair? The most desirable lifestyle? Whose Dad was the hardest? When it came to a lasergun battle, which princess would win? What about if they had a proper fight? And which princess would it be most fun to be captured and imprisoned by . . . It was at this point, whilst demonstrating both the refinement of our high-level reasoning skills and our sensitivities to the subtler prejudices hampering the development of intergalactic multiculturalism, that we noticed the cold disparaging glare. We realised that it had been projected our way for several minutes. As it transpired, the glowering person wanted to convey rather more than just her disapproval. What she actually wanted was for us to shut up. So she could announce that she was the new Assistant Director.
Pathetic earthlings . . . who can save us now?
A question that sums up my day with a certain aptness.
And so as a result of this film-referencing personal question of the day, and in passing honour of the launch of the Uborka Film Club, today’s participatory group-activity is to identify the films that were advertised using the following tag lines. Amusing answers are probably worth more points than correct ones. The only clue is that the list is arranged in chronological order. And so all you moviebuffs (and booviemuffs), today's tag lines teasers are:
1) The story of the strangest passion the world has ever known!
2) Go-Go For a Wild Ride With the ACTION GIRLS!
3) More entertaining than humanly possible.
4) . . . look closer.
5) This Ain’t No Chick Flick!
And for the record, Princess Aura wins hands down. Now there’s a thought.
Posted by adhoc at 06:32 PM | Comments (5)
January 07, 2005
Muff-grubbeling
Well if my week at work was a football match, I’d have lost the game 5-7. A respectable result from a tired team playing against some very tough opposition. Overall not a bad year so far, and with no unexpected trips to Stevenage.
This afternoon, I find myself concerned about the important issues of the moment. By way of a demonstration, here’s a sample of the thoughts currently exercising my intellect and stretching my understanding of the world and its workings:
How many minutes until I can indulge in the imminent drinking and stroking 'Pleasures of the Weekend'?
Why are so few women wearing fishnets since the New Year? Did I do something wrong?
How can it be so extremely windy in one place and not so windy someplace nearby? Isn’t all the air connected?
What’s in my pocket?
In addition to all this mental taxation (or is it neural taxonomy?), I’m also busy retaining all sorts of useful information. Such as the Latin origin of the word ‘trivia’. And knowing that the now tepid insult ‘berk’ comes to us via rhyming slang and is way more offensive than ever given credit for.
Can I go home now? Or can I come to your place?
Posted by adhoc at 05:26 PM | Comments (3)
January 06, 2005
Listing to the right . . .
Having trouble staying awake today. Attention span now up to about 30 seconds. Left side of brain not functioning at all. World around me is all on a 30 degree slant.
Nevertheless, it's that time of year when review-type lists overtake to-do lists as the popular list of choice. They're the big in-thing in list land. Guess they're the mass populist. And never one to fall off a bandwagon without being pushed, I've compiled one of my own. It's a short list of those who, using a variety of means and all manner of ways, have regularly inspired and / or entertained me during the passage of 2004.
It's over on the right.
Posted by adhoc at 01:24 PM | Comments (0)
January 05, 2005
Christmas the PC way - a survivor's guide
Back in work. Definitely in work rather than at work. Being 'at work' implies way more active participation than I can muster today. But I'm here. In the office. Which is not only a sobering experience (in more ways than my cold turkey daytime alcohol withdrawal symptoms might suggest). I've just noticed that I've survived the festive season / season to be jolly / happy holiday time unscathed. Or at least without any noticeable lasting damage. Though I could do with having a proper holiday now . . .
So what happened this year? And how did a PC approach to Christmas help? Did I invoke the vengeful and self-righteous goddesses of Political Correctness? Or did I make good and illicit use of other people's Personal Computers when they weren't looking? In a way it's a combination of the two. Though by wanting to avoid discrimination against Mac users, it is in fact nothing to do with either.
There are many possible ways to measure the various successes of any particular event. This year, to evaluate the Christmas Experience (the actual one I've just had and not the Dickens ride at Disneyland), I have measured two simple factors: Presents and Cards. Both measured in numbers received. So how did this year score?
Present-o-meter: went right off the top end of the scale. And then kept on rising. This year I got good presents. And I still feel very special. Bless. Not withstanding the wonderful successes by notable others to provide me with some very well chosen and happily received gifts, many of the presents I enjoyed were technically from myself. And I got a lot of what I wanted. Including a shiny fast car. I've been in screaming multiple toytastic heaven. Thoroughly recommended.
Card-iac arrest: a magnificent and unprecedented card count of 4. Even allowing for the people I have managed to alienate, offend and disgust during the course of the year, a mere 4 cards received is a personal best worthy of boasting about. It means that people have been listening to me. At least in as much as my reasons for not participating in the annual empty-gestured Xmascard Exchange. At least that's my explanation. Two of my cards were from family that can't help themselves, one from estranged family that doesn't know any better (and whose address I now have so 'Yay!'), and one which said 'Happy Annual Gift Day'. Top Stuff. Reminiscent of the 'Happy Birthday Jesus' cards I think about making every year or two. Only better.
In unqantified terms, and in addition to the letters P and C, seasonal joy was also brought to me by the number 32 and the able assistance of several other letters. These included:
A: Alcohol. in quantity and quality. and more quantity.
B: Bed. lots of time spent in one. not mine. also more Booze.
C: Clothes. having plenty of occasion to be not wearing any.
D: Driving. bought car (see presents). been driving. something to do when not Drinking .
E: Eating. to Excess. and then some.
F: Food. mostly for eating. F also in mystical conjunction with the number 32 (perhaps a crossword clue?).
G: Gitwizards. a useful new word in my insult vocabulary.
H: Heckling. especially the telly.
I: Insurrection. I'm planning a minor and not-very-military coup. It's a bit hush-hush. Pigeons beware.
J: Jousting. replacing the traditional horse and lance-wielding knight version, with prawns and cocktail sticks. However, I might have dreamt this.
K: Kissing.
L: Lots of kissing.
Mmmmmmmm . . .
Posted by adhoc at 01:25 PM | Comments (0)
January 01, 2005
Year of the Magnificent Cleavage
OK. So now it's 2005. Just. And what am I doing? Dancing my face off at a sweaty all-nighter? Lying in a gutter clutching an empty bottle of Cava as my comforter?
Nope. Something much more important.
I have just declared 2005 to be the Year of the Magnificent Cleavage.
Better than a New Year's resolution. Because it's true already.
So if you feel so inclined, raise a glass sometime and join me in a toast to cleavage. No hurry. You have all year . . .
Yay!
Wow. And as if to prove the point, Jane Goldman has just come on the Telly. Not literally. That would be both unlikely and highly dangerous. 'Tis a bloody good omen for the year ahead. Amongst other things I can see from here. Mmmmmmmmmm.
Posted by adhoc at 01:17 AM | Comments (4)