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ABCD: Activity Based Costing for Dummies
And by dummies I mean me. Or so it would seem. There's a lot of changes going on at work that I don't understand. I understand the changes. Mostly. But I'm struggling to grasp the unexplainable reasoning behind them. Well, everyday is a school day. And today is a Monday. So following 'a Very Enjoyable Weekend', today I have endured my weekly shock at some of the pointlessnesses of having to work for a living. Though to be fair, in the past couple of weeks I have learnt many new and interesting things. Honest. I have examples:
1) The concept of the Internal Entrepreneur: namely the muppet who actually thinks charging the people they work with to borrow a pencil makes sound business sense. Or the muppet with their head so far up the Director's passage that it's sold his sinuses a makeover. Well if you can't beat them . . . get creative. I've been inspired, and have figured out a plan that for an exciting new income stream. I'm going to set up a checkpoint outside the finance department and charge them for crossing our floorspace. It's their only route in. All I need is some more barbed wire. And a pointy stick.
2) Forecasting: for those of you not familiar with this important and mysterious financial method, it is also known to the uninitiated as the arcane skill of guessing and making things up. And as it turns out, I am rather good at it.
3) Cost Centre Decentralisation is a bullshit process for improving efficiency and getting the finance department some shiny new software (which still doesn't work (as well as the old system did)). In metaphorical terms it is about removing the need for the left hand to spend time or effort needlessly concerning itself with what the right hand might be doing. This is why the financial, strategic and staff development plans I have to write are in now not only out of sync with each other but also entirely unconnectable. Somebody's right hand has been spending way too much busy-time under their desk.
4) Training is an investment. I believe this. Everyone agrees with me. So why am I being asked to 'trim' my staff Training and Development budget? It's not a cost, it's an investment! Why not treat it as such? Stick it on the balance sheet. Am I going too far? Well, like 2 footballers in the shower, this budget just isn't going down. We've already agreed it. Twice. Aaarrggh.
5) Repetitive Cranial-Impact Percussive Therapy: for this purpose, I have authorised the building of a large brick wall right next to my desk.
Enough already. Apparently I have work to do.